The hardest part is getting started, making the initial step towards...whatever - a new job, a research paper, cleaning the house. What are you going to find if you begin this new endeavor - old food squashed under the couch cushions, a job that moves you a million miles away, sadness, peace. Who knows! But why stay here in a place you already know? Even if it is good there may be something better or maybe just different but life would get boring if lived in the same place all the time. So get started.
So here I am starting a blog. Why? I'm not really sure. I do not feel that I have anything profound to say or that I could really help others with my stories and thoughts. A lot of my thoughts are stolen from others who can put into words better than I what I'm thinking. But back to the question - I guess because other's have been such a huge encouragement to me, such a help to me through some very difficult days that maybe I think through my words I could help someone, give someone a smile that needs one. I love to see others smile, I love laughter, it is probably the best sound in the world, especially children's, next to the sound of my husband telling me he loves me. And another reason is selfish, but writing, telling my story helps me process and maybe someone will have a word or experience of encouragement to share back with me. We have been through a lot these past few years and especially this summer. We've been faced with situations and decisions that we never thought we would. We don't have it terrible, there is more good than bad and I have a husband that literally can get a laugh out of me at any time. There are others that are dealing with much, much worse and they are an inspiration to me as they continue to live gracefully in some excruciating circumstances.
In February of this year we found out we were pregnant. However, the happy baby story turned in a very different direction. Luke was stillborn on July 3, 2010. We had found out at our ultrasound that Luke had an omphalocele (an abdominal wall defect) and a two vessel umbilical cord. Omphaloceles are often related to one of two trisomies, neither compatible with life, he might only have a few hours to days of life with us if he had one of these. Devastation. How could I register and enjoy baby showers knowing that he may never wear those outfits or be in that stroller? And why did this have to happen to my husband? We transferred out of the care of our homebirth midwife to the high risk/maternal fetal (mfm) group at Vandy. From our research and then at our first visit at mfm we began to have hope that there was not an associated trisomy and that Luke would be born and then he would have surgery to fix the omphalocele. But I might have to, probably would, have a c-s to prevent tearing of the omphalocele's sack which could lead to a much more complicated course. Homebirth to a C-S. Lots of ultrasounds through the rest of pregnancy. Interventions. Great. So at the other end of the spectrum from this hippie girls natural Hypnobabies homebirth plan. So I began a baby registry, not much as I was still reserved, scared, wanting to be excited and giddy but the innocence had been taken. But I tried. Then a week and a half later, June 30, Luke wasn't moving. I'm a nurse practitioner (new to the profession but still), in ob/gyn, why didn't I immediately go get checked? I wasn't the nurse practitioner though I was the mom and I believe that I knew subconsciously that he had already passed, I just needed to get through, it would sink in and I would get checked and we would deal with what we needed to. It was protective my not allowing the truth in right away, it had to seep in, give me time to process, accept that something was wrong first before going straight to the end truth. We had found out just a couple of weeks earlier that Tony's mom had breast cancer so we were already dealing with so many things. On July 1 was her first chemo treatment and the day that we found out Luke had passed away. Tony's youngest brother's son was born that day and mamaw broke her arm. Everyone sit on the ground and you can only drink water, no one else is allowed to have something happen right now!!
So I was induced on the 2nd and Luke was born on the 3rd. He was perfect, so tiny, so cute. We had an autopsy completed and I had an amniocentesis before the induction so we had chromosomal testing done. Everything came back clean, except for the omphalocele that we already knew about. There were no chromosomal abnormalities, no heart defects, nothing. The omphalocele and two vessel cord were isolated and the cause of his death unknown. But we know that it was not hereditary. And to find things to be thankful for - he didn't have to go through the pain and struggle of surgery or any of its potential complications, I didnt have to have a C-S, and Luke got to go from the safest worldly place straight to heaven. So I'm jealous and thankful! He never has to know pain or sorrow or frustration or fear; we didn't have to watch our son be in pain or live in constant anxiety while he was having surgery and recovering - not that I would choose death over life but I didn't have to choose.
So now we wait, we better ourselves and our lives, we find how to live in this "new normal" as parents without their child and as children with a sick mother, wading sometimes sinking through the messy grief but moving forward as we can. We have good days and then we have some messy days in there sometimes. I know most of what you've read has been sad and it is but there is, as I said earlier, more good than bad. I am proud to be Luke's mom and it makes me happy to say he is our son and to talk about him. Life with Tony can't be that sad because he is a goof, if you know him you know how everyone is smiling and laughing when they are around him - that's not just out in public, he is hilarious and life with him is fun and never dull!
So in closing in encouragement, my reminder when I want to ask why, and the reason for the name of my blog I remind myself of a post from another mothers blog - that shepherds use lambs when they want to move their flock to a greener pasture but the path there is rocky and the sheep won't follow the shepherd will take a lamb in each arm and begin walking the rocky path. the lamb's mothers will then begin to follow and then so will the rest of the flock. Luke is our lamb. And when I'm frustrated at God our Shepherd and angry, that I have to deal with sadness and losing a son and watching my mother in law fight cancer and my husband deal with it all and more, I have to continue to follow Him because He has my son, and I have to believe He is taking us to a greener pasture.
