Audrey's, Tristan's, and Luke's necklace

copied from lisa leonard (necklace designer) website: http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/
"marked by love necklace {audrey's necklace}
some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. for moms who have lost a child, their hearts are forever marked by love. this beautiful necklace was created in collaboration with angie smith {bring the rain} who lost her baby girl, audrey caroline."

My dear friend Christie sent me this necklace after Luke was born. She has one for her son. My husband and I both had tears in our eyes when I received it in the mail, something tangible to remember our son, something I could feel against my skin. As friends emailed and passed on links to blogs of mothers who also had experiend loss, there were two whose daughters were named Audrey. One day I pulled up the website of the designer of the necklace looking for something possibly for Tony and I saw my necklace and then I read the description that I copied above. I was awestruck, "I might know this Audrey's mom?!" So I went to the two blogs of the two Audrey's and found that the necklace was Angie Smith's Audrey and whose blog was sent to me by a friend of mine who attends church with Angie.
What a small world!
The necklace is just that much more special to me not only because of who it was given by but knowing it was created by and for a another mother like myself and my friend.

A couple of blurps, not eloquently written

I got frustrated the other day, just wondering why I've had the path of life I've had, rarely settled for long, the scenic route through school, lots of back and forth.....And God reminded me - Our purpose is to glorify Him. What can I say to that? Nothing really. That simply sentence pretty much wins any argument or complaint I can find.
So it may be that you're put in a place for a minute to glorify Him then He moves you somewhere else for another minute.
"Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among all the nations, I will be exalted among all the earth."

11/27/10: Angie Smith has written an incredible book, "I Will Carry You," telling her story of loss and the dance of grief, between joy and sorrow. These are just a couple of my thoughts from what I read today.
Doubts, fears-these are from Satan and I need to realize that because I trust the Lord, not because I'm super christian, but simply because I trust the Lord, that Satan is going to keep an eye on me. As I give in to him a little enough that my "light" doesn't shine too bright then he's done his job. I need to recognize his works and resist. He is fine with a lukewarm christian, they don't do too much damage against him.
The day Luke was born I remember looking at the window of room 9 in labor and delivery and thinking how odd it seemed that it looked like fall outside, it was so still, as though earth were standing still for this little boy as his parents met his little body but as he watched from heaven with his heavenly Father. Still.

Pg 183-184 Angie Smith - "for none but He could unite Joy and Sorrow."

the Journey: kissfromkatie.blogspot.com

This girl is amazing! http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ I cannot get her post from Nov 2 out of my head and I've read it more than a couple of times. I know that emptiness, different from her experience but emptiness nonetheless. I will always have my "one more" in my heart as well. I don't know if it is just this part of her story that has me enthralled or if there is something more, another lesson I am supposed to learn, something that is going to start or has started to grow in my heart that is going to lead me down an unknown path of taking children in, living in a remote part of the world, or maybe just to have a thankful, praising, passionate heart like Katie's that like I've never had before. But I have shared Katie's blog on Facebook and am sharing it here as well because .... because it makes my heart swell with love, compassion, joy, and excitement. The pictures of her girls are so incredibly precious, you can see the love that is in them and surrounds them.

trying times

Nov 3: I know I've said that I have to follow God because He has my son but I've come to learn that I have to follow God simply because He is God, with no strings attached, without expecting anything in return I am called to trust in Him. When your life is in shambles you find in yourself/God gives you the strength for how to trust Him in an unassuming, unexpecting way, trusting that He loves you but understanding that by being loved by Him or loving Him doesn't ensure your next breath or for things to go the way you think they ought - often it is just the opposite. He does offer peace and that, I have found, is worth far more than anything I could buy or find myself.
I don't feel myself getting stronger, I am tired and I am worn. Today it has been 4 months. I often would rather stay in bed. I feel numb at times just taking myself through the motions of getting through the day, it's all the energy I can muster up some days. But I am finding little moments where I can love others and show compassion to another, I feel that those are two things God wants me to be better at doing.
I also read a verse the other day that I've held to - Isaiah 57:14-21 - I will not accuse forever nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me-the breath of man that I have created. I know that God is not out to destroy me for He created and loves me. I just don't know what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go. And I'm not sure how to live with this sadness in my heart. Yes I want to wake up and this all have been a dream but at the same time I wouldn't trade places with anyone because I have come to know my God in new and deeper ways. I am not complete yet He has not finished His work. I pray that my head and heart won't be so hard so that I will learn more quickly and more deeply and more easily.

a "Luke bed" (originally written Oct 19, day after our due date - but i forgot to post!)

Just wanted to share a sweet and yes a little crazy - story with you. i bought a crib. i've always wanted an iron crib like the old antique ones but the new ones are outrageously expensive so before we were pregnant i'd check craigslist every so often, then when we got pregnant that's one of the first things i put my mother in law in search of - she's always finding great yardsales and thrift stores. well this weekend i for some reason got on craigslist and looked up iron cribs - i found one. it's 3 yrs old, used by one little boy. the very same one, brand new retails for $900 - i've seen it on boutique websites so i knew the brand and price. it was listed for $500 which was still too much but it had been listed for a month so i thought maybe i'll just go see. well i got it for $275! so that was exciting but i was still a little like, did i make the right decision spending that money? but then this - after making tha deal we were talking and the dad mentioned that his son's name is luke!! not only that but he is a very special boy - as luke's are =) - he was born with a very, very rare chromosomal abnormality, two heart defects, and a cleft palate. he was in the NICU for about the first year of life. he is three now and doing very well! of course i told the dad about my luke and right before i left the dad said "well now you really have a luke-bed".
=)
i smiled so big for the next two hours my face hurt!
I know that it was a little crazy that I buy that bed, I realize that. but that bed was meant to be ours, my friend said i can't ever get rid of that bed and i won't!
i love moments like this, these are my luke memories and i thank God for them because I know they are from Him and because they give me moments to make memories of luke even without having Luke here.