October 18, our due date

Oct 18 - Strength to my belief that all things happen for a reason. In the Catholic church today is the patron Saint Luke's feast day. At our first visit with our midwife back in..I don't know maybe april? Anyway she changed our due date by two days - no big deal babies never come on their due date anyway right?! I wasn't even usually using our due date when people asked, just telling them mid-late october. Now though those two days and the new due date of october 18 mean the world to me. About a month after our Luke was born we were looking for saint medallions to get Luke's initials imprinted on the back when we looked up the St. Luke and discovered that his feast day was noneother than our due date, October 18, and it just floored me when I found out. Instances such as this secure my faith in a God who knows what was, what is, and what is to come. When our midwife changed that due date we didn't know or even imagine all the events that would transpire between then and now.
I can also add that besides the perfect due date and the perfect name, everything else about Luke and his birth were perfect in so many ways. In scripture there are a few numbers that are considered perfect, without blemish, holy. Each individual digit of lukes numbers, his weight, length, date of birth and time of birth, were all perfect numbers. Even the time if changed to military time still is made up of the perfect numbers.
So I know, not that I like it but I know, that everything about Luke was perfect and now he is in a perfect body in a perfect place.
So if you don't believe in the perfection of God or the Lords perfect timing then I ask you to read this again and look back at your life, I am confident that you will all find instances that if they had been five minutes off would have had a very different outcome. My God is a holy and perfect God and though I don't like how life has gone recently I still have to proclaim that there is a reason beyond my understanding and that there is a God who is in control of this seemingly messy situation.
We have had a peaceful due date, my husband stayed  home with me and we just had a good day. I was anxious up to today as described in my previous post but today was a good day, peaceful. God will guide us, with His sometimes quiet but yet strong voice giving us direction.

Where you're supposed to be

Sometimes you have to be numb to get through a day, at least I do at times. Maybe my situation is a little different than most as I work in OB but I'm sure everyone can relate to some degree. Day in and out I work with new mommies and their brand new babies. I love it, yes it is challenging in my situation but I love what I do helping those moms. This week was different because this was the week that I was expecting to be expecting, our due date is Monday the 18th. Where they are is where I am supposed to be....but as that thought has rolled around in my head I also have the soft voice in there saying, No, You are where you're supposed to be. And I am, I am where I am supposed to be, Luke's life was exactly as it was supposed to be.

The week seemed so long. I felt I was in a marathon, pushing myself moment by moment to just get to the end of the last leg of the race, the last hour of my work week til I could let out the breath I'd been holding

The numbness wore off this morning.
The weather is beautiful, it would be a perfect weekend to have a baby

I drove by a house that had a beautiful garden, the red of the cherry tomatoes was just popping out so bright, the front door was open with a baby gate up and I just thought what a perfect weekend to be in labor and have a baby, how peaceful would it be to be sittingin my house with he doors open relaxing and having our baby coming. Its how I imagined, so peaceful and I'd call sarab to come sit with me or maybe take me to her house for a while during the first easier part of labor then we'd go from there, call tony home from work, call the grandparents, my best friend christy who is pregnant with wiley who was going to be Luke's best friend, our other friends and our midwife.
But then we found out he had an omphalocele and the dream of being at home was taken. And then he passed away so the dream of even bringing home our son vanished. But as I remember even though it was July the day was cool and very still, from through the hospital room window it looked like a fall day, a lot like today with the clear blue sky.

The numbness wore off, my heart is soft again today. It can be a hard place to be obviously but at the same time I like it here for a moment. It is quiet here, my heart is completely in the hands of an almighty God when I am here. It's where it should always be but it definitely is when I'm in this place.

My sister in law found out today she is having a boy so it is officially the year of the boys - us, my sister in law, both of Tony's brothers, and two of my best friends all pregnant with boys this year, a couple of them won't be here til the first of next year but still. So I'll be watching Wiley, Judah, Sam Jr, little man Jones, and Aden grow up for years to come but they'll be growing up without their cousin and friend Luke. And they might not know or feel like someone is missing but I'll always see the hole, Ill always see where he would have fit in. So to my friends and these sweet boys I have a special place in my heart for you, and if I get sad it is okay to ask or talk to me about it I am happy at the same time and my tears will be gone in a moment...but you may have to endure a little tighter hug than other people get.

the Bittersweet

Something that I think has been helpful and important to me has been to do some of those things which I was "supposed" to get to do such as having the pretty baby picture frame or having a hospital baby band. Some of these things were done for me like the hospital baby band but other things I had to do on my own. It was difficult but at the same time helpful and happy-well maybe bittersweet. When you lose a child before he or she is born you also lose those things you were expecting to get to do and so my thought was, and is, that by doing those things, at least some of them, I don't have to grieve the loss of those. Am I making any sense? So for instance, we took pictures at the hospital and I bought an album engraved with Luke's nickname; I also bought a birth record picture frame that we had engraved with all of his birth information. Our family is not just Tony and me anymore and I want there to be proof of that. Another thing that I did was breastpump for about 4 weeks. I started about 4 days after Luke was born and pumped 3-4 times per day for 3 weeks then weaned off that fourth week. It was very therapeutic! It gave me a few "time outs" each day and it allowed my body do what it was made to do. It was physically helpful obviously but also mentally and emotionally helpful to see my body be able to do what it is designed to do and to have those moments each day to reflect. As a bonus I was connected with a family who needed donated breastmilk!. The mom was unable to breastfeed but because of the benefits of breastmilk had chosen to forgo formula and use donated breastmilk. There are other things that can be done as well that I know others have done such as putting a birth announcement in the newspaper, having a memorial service, even finishing the nursery, and/or doing something special each year on the baby's birthday.

I don't deny myself much when it comes to Luke. I am not going to have years and years to gather memories and keepsakes from his life so the little that I find to do or want to do I feel is worth it, and it doesn't always take much to satisfy those urges. More important is allowing myself to love him and be proud to be his mom, and hearing others validate and memorialize him just makes my heart swell! I am sad that I don't have our son in my arms but I'm also proud to be his mom and focusing on that love and pride, the happy part, makes the hurt not sting so much.