the Bittersweet

Something that I think has been helpful and important to me has been to do some of those things which I was "supposed" to get to do such as having the pretty baby picture frame or having a hospital baby band. Some of these things were done for me like the hospital baby band but other things I had to do on my own. It was difficult but at the same time helpful and happy-well maybe bittersweet. When you lose a child before he or she is born you also lose those things you were expecting to get to do and so my thought was, and is, that by doing those things, at least some of them, I don't have to grieve the loss of those. Am I making any sense? So for instance, we took pictures at the hospital and I bought an album engraved with Luke's nickname; I also bought a birth record picture frame that we had engraved with all of his birth information. Our family is not just Tony and me anymore and I want there to be proof of that. Another thing that I did was breastpump for about 4 weeks. I started about 4 days after Luke was born and pumped 3-4 times per day for 3 weeks then weaned off that fourth week. It was very therapeutic! It gave me a few "time outs" each day and it allowed my body do what it was made to do. It was physically helpful obviously but also mentally and emotionally helpful to see my body be able to do what it is designed to do and to have those moments each day to reflect. As a bonus I was connected with a family who needed donated breastmilk!. The mom was unable to breastfeed but because of the benefits of breastmilk had chosen to forgo formula and use donated breastmilk. There are other things that can be done as well that I know others have done such as putting a birth announcement in the newspaper, having a memorial service, even finishing the nursery, and/or doing something special each year on the baby's birthday.

I don't deny myself much when it comes to Luke. I am not going to have years and years to gather memories and keepsakes from his life so the little that I find to do or want to do I feel is worth it, and it doesn't always take much to satisfy those urges. More important is allowing myself to love him and be proud to be his mom, and hearing others validate and memorialize him just makes my heart swell! I am sad that I don't have our son in my arms but I'm also proud to be his mom and focusing on that love and pride, the happy part, makes the hurt not sting so much.