How it's going

Good - yes, Bad - yes. At all times there is a mix of all emotions, they take their turns on which is in the forefront. There will always be a scar on my heart from the loss of Luke's life and it's still big and fresh but there is more good than bad. I am ready for 2010 to be over as it seems that this year has been full of heartache for so many, it's a little overwhelming sometimes how many. However, I will say that there is a deeper richness to my life that I appreciate. The tides do seem to be changing, slowly but surely, we've gotten some things finished on the house, Tony's making changes in his work, and I'm hopefully making a job move soon too. Part of me would love to run off to Africa though for a while to get away from "normal life". Maybe one day.  "Normal life" is frustrating because it will never be back to "normal" like it used to be, innocent and unwounded. As routine sets in it's a reminder that time is passing which sometimes I don't want, I want to stay here as "close" to Luke as possible though on the other hand as time does continue to pass I truly am getting closer to getting to see him again and I want time to pass to get to those days when I am living in this "new normal' better. So it's a balancing act, a dance between grief and joy. And it is finding contentment in the waiting(and waiting is not something I am very good at or like), not settling to stay forever in that moment but contentment in the step that I am taking at the moment - it seems conflicting - contentment seems to be a static word and moving forward or taking a step seems dynamic. I have not decided on a good way to word this yet I'll keep thinking and get back with you. Maybe living in the moment is a better way to define the contentment I am talking about.

There is great healing in sharing, there may be grief for a moment but letting it out, like cleaning out a wound, allows for healing and thus a deeper joy and peace.

Happy Thanksgiving

When our faith is tested, when we lose someone we love, when our circumstances are not what we want them to be or hoped they would be, it is in these times that we turn our hearts to find we are blessed with heavenly, indestructable, eternal blessings. I am not blessed because I have a job or a home or anything else. I am blessed because I have Hope, Peace, and Love, because there is an eternity of peace and joy waiting for me after this life, because I am loved by my husband, family, and friends. I am blessed because the King of kings and Lord of lords loves me and cares for me.
This is not always where my heart is, and sometimes I say it not because I believe it at the moment but because I need to hear it and maybe I'll be convinced its true, but I know it in my head and hoping my heart will follow.

Audrey's, Tristan's, and Luke's necklace

copied from lisa leonard (necklace designer) website: http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/
"marked by love necklace {audrey's necklace}
some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts. for moms who have lost a child, their hearts are forever marked by love. this beautiful necklace was created in collaboration with angie smith {bring the rain} who lost her baby girl, audrey caroline."

My dear friend Christie sent me this necklace after Luke was born. She has one for her son. My husband and I both had tears in our eyes when I received it in the mail, something tangible to remember our son, something I could feel against my skin. As friends emailed and passed on links to blogs of mothers who also had experiend loss, there were two whose daughters were named Audrey. One day I pulled up the website of the designer of the necklace looking for something possibly for Tony and I saw my necklace and then I read the description that I copied above. I was awestruck, "I might know this Audrey's mom?!" So I went to the two blogs of the two Audrey's and found that the necklace was Angie Smith's Audrey and whose blog was sent to me by a friend of mine who attends church with Angie.
What a small world!
The necklace is just that much more special to me not only because of who it was given by but knowing it was created by and for a another mother like myself and my friend.

A couple of blurps, not eloquently written

I got frustrated the other day, just wondering why I've had the path of life I've had, rarely settled for long, the scenic route through school, lots of back and forth.....And God reminded me - Our purpose is to glorify Him. What can I say to that? Nothing really. That simply sentence pretty much wins any argument or complaint I can find.
So it may be that you're put in a place for a minute to glorify Him then He moves you somewhere else for another minute.
"Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among all the nations, I will be exalted among all the earth."

11/27/10: Angie Smith has written an incredible book, "I Will Carry You," telling her story of loss and the dance of grief, between joy and sorrow. These are just a couple of my thoughts from what I read today.
Doubts, fears-these are from Satan and I need to realize that because I trust the Lord, not because I'm super christian, but simply because I trust the Lord, that Satan is going to keep an eye on me. As I give in to him a little enough that my "light" doesn't shine too bright then he's done his job. I need to recognize his works and resist. He is fine with a lukewarm christian, they don't do too much damage against him.
The day Luke was born I remember looking at the window of room 9 in labor and delivery and thinking how odd it seemed that it looked like fall outside, it was so still, as though earth were standing still for this little boy as his parents met his little body but as he watched from heaven with his heavenly Father. Still.

Pg 183-184 Angie Smith - "for none but He could unite Joy and Sorrow."

the Journey: kissfromkatie.blogspot.com

This girl is amazing! http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/ I cannot get her post from Nov 2 out of my head and I've read it more than a couple of times. I know that emptiness, different from her experience but emptiness nonetheless. I will always have my "one more" in my heart as well. I don't know if it is just this part of her story that has me enthralled or if there is something more, another lesson I am supposed to learn, something that is going to start or has started to grow in my heart that is going to lead me down an unknown path of taking children in, living in a remote part of the world, or maybe just to have a thankful, praising, passionate heart like Katie's that like I've never had before. But I have shared Katie's blog on Facebook and am sharing it here as well because .... because it makes my heart swell with love, compassion, joy, and excitement. The pictures of her girls are so incredibly precious, you can see the love that is in them and surrounds them.

trying times

Nov 3: I know I've said that I have to follow God because He has my son but I've come to learn that I have to follow God simply because He is God, with no strings attached, without expecting anything in return I am called to trust in Him. When your life is in shambles you find in yourself/God gives you the strength for how to trust Him in an unassuming, unexpecting way, trusting that He loves you but understanding that by being loved by Him or loving Him doesn't ensure your next breath or for things to go the way you think they ought - often it is just the opposite. He does offer peace and that, I have found, is worth far more than anything I could buy or find myself.
I don't feel myself getting stronger, I am tired and I am worn. Today it has been 4 months. I often would rather stay in bed. I feel numb at times just taking myself through the motions of getting through the day, it's all the energy I can muster up some days. But I am finding little moments where I can love others and show compassion to another, I feel that those are two things God wants me to be better at doing.
I also read a verse the other day that I've held to - Isaiah 57:14-21 - I will not accuse forever nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me-the breath of man that I have created. I know that God is not out to destroy me for He created and loves me. I just don't know what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go. And I'm not sure how to live with this sadness in my heart. Yes I want to wake up and this all have been a dream but at the same time I wouldn't trade places with anyone because I have come to know my God in new and deeper ways. I am not complete yet He has not finished His work. I pray that my head and heart won't be so hard so that I will learn more quickly and more deeply and more easily.

a "Luke bed" (originally written Oct 19, day after our due date - but i forgot to post!)

Just wanted to share a sweet and yes a little crazy - story with you. i bought a crib. i've always wanted an iron crib like the old antique ones but the new ones are outrageously expensive so before we were pregnant i'd check craigslist every so often, then when we got pregnant that's one of the first things i put my mother in law in search of - she's always finding great yardsales and thrift stores. well this weekend i for some reason got on craigslist and looked up iron cribs - i found one. it's 3 yrs old, used by one little boy. the very same one, brand new retails for $900 - i've seen it on boutique websites so i knew the brand and price. it was listed for $500 which was still too much but it had been listed for a month so i thought maybe i'll just go see. well i got it for $275! so that was exciting but i was still a little like, did i make the right decision spending that money? but then this - after making tha deal we were talking and the dad mentioned that his son's name is luke!! not only that but he is a very special boy - as luke's are =) - he was born with a very, very rare chromosomal abnormality, two heart defects, and a cleft palate. he was in the NICU for about the first year of life. he is three now and doing very well! of course i told the dad about my luke and right before i left the dad said "well now you really have a luke-bed".
=)
i smiled so big for the next two hours my face hurt!
I know that it was a little crazy that I buy that bed, I realize that. but that bed was meant to be ours, my friend said i can't ever get rid of that bed and i won't!
i love moments like this, these are my luke memories and i thank God for them because I know they are from Him and because they give me moments to make memories of luke even without having Luke here.

October 18, our due date

Oct 18 - Strength to my belief that all things happen for a reason. In the Catholic church today is the patron Saint Luke's feast day. At our first visit with our midwife back in..I don't know maybe april? Anyway she changed our due date by two days - no big deal babies never come on their due date anyway right?! I wasn't even usually using our due date when people asked, just telling them mid-late october. Now though those two days and the new due date of october 18 mean the world to me. About a month after our Luke was born we were looking for saint medallions to get Luke's initials imprinted on the back when we looked up the St. Luke and discovered that his feast day was noneother than our due date, October 18, and it just floored me when I found out. Instances such as this secure my faith in a God who knows what was, what is, and what is to come. When our midwife changed that due date we didn't know or even imagine all the events that would transpire between then and now.
I can also add that besides the perfect due date and the perfect name, everything else about Luke and his birth were perfect in so many ways. In scripture there are a few numbers that are considered perfect, without blemish, holy. Each individual digit of lukes numbers, his weight, length, date of birth and time of birth, were all perfect numbers. Even the time if changed to military time still is made up of the perfect numbers.
So I know, not that I like it but I know, that everything about Luke was perfect and now he is in a perfect body in a perfect place.
So if you don't believe in the perfection of God or the Lords perfect timing then I ask you to read this again and look back at your life, I am confident that you will all find instances that if they had been five minutes off would have had a very different outcome. My God is a holy and perfect God and though I don't like how life has gone recently I still have to proclaim that there is a reason beyond my understanding and that there is a God who is in control of this seemingly messy situation.
We have had a peaceful due date, my husband stayed  home with me and we just had a good day. I was anxious up to today as described in my previous post but today was a good day, peaceful. God will guide us, with His sometimes quiet but yet strong voice giving us direction.

Where you're supposed to be

Sometimes you have to be numb to get through a day, at least I do at times. Maybe my situation is a little different than most as I work in OB but I'm sure everyone can relate to some degree. Day in and out I work with new mommies and their brand new babies. I love it, yes it is challenging in my situation but I love what I do helping those moms. This week was different because this was the week that I was expecting to be expecting, our due date is Monday the 18th. Where they are is where I am supposed to be....but as that thought has rolled around in my head I also have the soft voice in there saying, No, You are where you're supposed to be. And I am, I am where I am supposed to be, Luke's life was exactly as it was supposed to be.

The week seemed so long. I felt I was in a marathon, pushing myself moment by moment to just get to the end of the last leg of the race, the last hour of my work week til I could let out the breath I'd been holding

The numbness wore off this morning.
The weather is beautiful, it would be a perfect weekend to have a baby

I drove by a house that had a beautiful garden, the red of the cherry tomatoes was just popping out so bright, the front door was open with a baby gate up and I just thought what a perfect weekend to be in labor and have a baby, how peaceful would it be to be sittingin my house with he doors open relaxing and having our baby coming. Its how I imagined, so peaceful and I'd call sarab to come sit with me or maybe take me to her house for a while during the first easier part of labor then we'd go from there, call tony home from work, call the grandparents, my best friend christy who is pregnant with wiley who was going to be Luke's best friend, our other friends and our midwife.
But then we found out he had an omphalocele and the dream of being at home was taken. And then he passed away so the dream of even bringing home our son vanished. But as I remember even though it was July the day was cool and very still, from through the hospital room window it looked like a fall day, a lot like today with the clear blue sky.

The numbness wore off, my heart is soft again today. It can be a hard place to be obviously but at the same time I like it here for a moment. It is quiet here, my heart is completely in the hands of an almighty God when I am here. It's where it should always be but it definitely is when I'm in this place.

My sister in law found out today she is having a boy so it is officially the year of the boys - us, my sister in law, both of Tony's brothers, and two of my best friends all pregnant with boys this year, a couple of them won't be here til the first of next year but still. So I'll be watching Wiley, Judah, Sam Jr, little man Jones, and Aden grow up for years to come but they'll be growing up without their cousin and friend Luke. And they might not know or feel like someone is missing but I'll always see the hole, Ill always see where he would have fit in. So to my friends and these sweet boys I have a special place in my heart for you, and if I get sad it is okay to ask or talk to me about it I am happy at the same time and my tears will be gone in a moment...but you may have to endure a little tighter hug than other people get.

the Bittersweet

Something that I think has been helpful and important to me has been to do some of those things which I was "supposed" to get to do such as having the pretty baby picture frame or having a hospital baby band. Some of these things were done for me like the hospital baby band but other things I had to do on my own. It was difficult but at the same time helpful and happy-well maybe bittersweet. When you lose a child before he or she is born you also lose those things you were expecting to get to do and so my thought was, and is, that by doing those things, at least some of them, I don't have to grieve the loss of those. Am I making any sense? So for instance, we took pictures at the hospital and I bought an album engraved with Luke's nickname; I also bought a birth record picture frame that we had engraved with all of his birth information. Our family is not just Tony and me anymore and I want there to be proof of that. Another thing that I did was breastpump for about 4 weeks. I started about 4 days after Luke was born and pumped 3-4 times per day for 3 weeks then weaned off that fourth week. It was very therapeutic! It gave me a few "time outs" each day and it allowed my body do what it was made to do. It was physically helpful obviously but also mentally and emotionally helpful to see my body be able to do what it is designed to do and to have those moments each day to reflect. As a bonus I was connected with a family who needed donated breastmilk!. The mom was unable to breastfeed but because of the benefits of breastmilk had chosen to forgo formula and use donated breastmilk. There are other things that can be done as well that I know others have done such as putting a birth announcement in the newspaper, having a memorial service, even finishing the nursery, and/or doing something special each year on the baby's birthday.

I don't deny myself much when it comes to Luke. I am not going to have years and years to gather memories and keepsakes from his life so the little that I find to do or want to do I feel is worth it, and it doesn't always take much to satisfy those urges. More important is allowing myself to love him and be proud to be his mom, and hearing others validate and memorialize him just makes my heart swell! I am sad that I don't have our son in my arms but I'm also proud to be his mom and focusing on that love and pride, the happy part, makes the hurt not sting so much.

Getting Started, that first step

The hardest part is getting started, making the initial step towards...whatever - a new job, a research paper, cleaning the house. What are you going to find if you begin this new endeavor - old food squashed under the couch cushions, a job that moves you a million miles away, sadness, peace. Who knows! But why stay here in a place you already know? Even if it is good there may be something better or maybe just different but life would get boring if lived in the same place all the time. So get started.

So here I am starting a blog. Why? I'm not really sure. I do not feel that I have anything profound to say or that I could really help others with my stories and thoughts. A lot of my thoughts are stolen from others who can put into words better than I what I'm thinking. But back to the question - I guess because other's have been such a huge encouragement to me, such a help to me through some very difficult days that maybe I think through my words I could help someone, give someone a smile that needs one. I love to see others smile, I love laughter, it is probably the best sound in the world, especially children's, next to the sound of my husband telling me he loves me. And another reason is selfish, but writing, telling my story helps me process and maybe someone will have a word or experience of encouragement to share back with me. We have been through a lot these past few years and especially this summer. We've been faced with situations and decisions that we never thought we would. We don't have it terrible, there is more good than bad and I have a husband that literally can get a laugh out of me at any time. There are others that are dealing with much, much worse and they are an inspiration to me as they continue to live gracefully in some excruciating circumstances.

In February of this year we found out we were pregnant. However, the happy baby story turned in a very different direction. Luke was stillborn on July 3, 2010. We had found out at our ultrasound that Luke had an omphalocele (an abdominal wall defect) and a two vessel umbilical cord. Omphaloceles are often related to one of two trisomies, neither compatible with life, he might only have a few hours to days of life with us if he had one of these. Devastation. How could I register and enjoy baby showers knowing that he may never wear those outfits or be in that stroller? And why did this have to happen to my husband? We transferred out of the care of our homebirth midwife to the high risk/maternal fetal (mfm) group at Vandy. From our research and then at our first visit at mfm we began to have hope that there was not an associated trisomy and that Luke would be born and then he would have surgery to fix the omphalocele. But I might have to, probably would, have a c-s to prevent tearing of the omphalocele's sack which could lead to a much more complicated course. Homebirth to a C-S. Lots of ultrasounds through the rest of pregnancy. Interventions. Great. So at the other end of the spectrum from this hippie girls natural Hypnobabies homebirth plan. So I began a baby registry, not much as I was still reserved, scared, wanting to be excited and giddy but the innocence had been taken. But I tried. Then a week and a half later, June 30, Luke wasn't moving. I'm a nurse practitioner (new to the profession but still), in ob/gyn, why didn't I immediately go get checked? I wasn't the nurse practitioner though I was the mom and I believe that I knew subconsciously that he had already passed, I just needed to get through, it would sink in and I would get checked and we would deal with what we needed to. It was protective my not allowing the truth in right away, it had to seep in, give me time to process, accept that something was wrong first before going straight to the end truth. We had found out just a couple of weeks earlier that Tony's mom had breast cancer so we were already dealing with so many things. On July 1 was her first chemo treatment and the day that we found out Luke had passed away. Tony's youngest brother's son was born that day and mamaw broke her arm. Everyone sit on the ground and you can only drink water, no one else is allowed to have something happen right now!!

So I was induced on the 2nd and Luke was born on the 3rd. He was perfect, so tiny, so cute. We had an autopsy completed and I had an amniocentesis before the induction so we had chromosomal testing done. Everything came back clean, except for the omphalocele that we already knew about. There were no chromosomal abnormalities, no heart defects, nothing. The omphalocele and two vessel cord were isolated and the cause of his death unknown. But we know that it was not hereditary. And to find things to be thankful for - he didn't have to go through the pain and struggle of surgery or any of its potential complications, I didnt have to have a C-S, and Luke got to go from the safest worldly place straight to heaven. So I'm jealous and thankful! He never has to know pain or sorrow or frustration or fear; we didn't have to watch our son be in pain or live in constant anxiety while he was having surgery and recovering - not that I would choose death over life but I didn't have to choose.

So now we wait, we better ourselves and our lives, we find how to live in this "new normal" as parents without their child and as children with a sick mother, wading sometimes sinking through the messy grief but moving forward as we can. We have good days and then we have some messy days in there sometimes. I know most of what you've read has been sad and it is but there is, as I said earlier, more good than bad. I am proud to be Luke's mom and it makes me happy to say he is our son and to talk about him. Life with Tony can't be that sad because he is a goof, if you know him you know how everyone is smiling and laughing when they are around him - that's not just out in public, he is hilarious and life with him is fun and never dull!

So in closing in encouragement, my reminder when I want to ask why, and the reason for the name of my blog I remind myself of a post from another mothers blog - that shepherds use lambs when they want to move their flock to a greener pasture but the path there is rocky and the sheep won't follow the shepherd will take a lamb in each arm and begin walking the rocky path. the lamb's mothers will then begin to follow and then so will the rest of the flock. Luke is our lamb. And when I'm frustrated at God our Shepherd and angry, that I have to deal with sadness and losing a son and watching my mother in law fight cancer and my husband deal with it all and more, I have to continue to follow Him because He has my son, and I have to believe He is taking us to a greener pasture.