How it's going

Good - yes, Bad - yes. At all times there is a mix of all emotions, they take their turns on which is in the forefront. There will always be a scar on my heart from the loss of Luke's life and it's still big and fresh but there is more good than bad. I am ready for 2010 to be over as it seems that this year has been full of heartache for so many, it's a little overwhelming sometimes how many. However, I will say that there is a deeper richness to my life that I appreciate. The tides do seem to be changing, slowly but surely, we've gotten some things finished on the house, Tony's making changes in his work, and I'm hopefully making a job move soon too. Part of me would love to run off to Africa though for a while to get away from "normal life". Maybe one day.  "Normal life" is frustrating because it will never be back to "normal" like it used to be, innocent and unwounded. As routine sets in it's a reminder that time is passing which sometimes I don't want, I want to stay here as "close" to Luke as possible though on the other hand as time does continue to pass I truly am getting closer to getting to see him again and I want time to pass to get to those days when I am living in this "new normal' better. So it's a balancing act, a dance between grief and joy. And it is finding contentment in the waiting(and waiting is not something I am very good at or like), not settling to stay forever in that moment but contentment in the step that I am taking at the moment - it seems conflicting - contentment seems to be a static word and moving forward or taking a step seems dynamic. I have not decided on a good way to word this yet I'll keep thinking and get back with you. Maybe living in the moment is a better way to define the contentment I am talking about.

There is great healing in sharing, there may be grief for a moment but letting it out, like cleaning out a wound, allows for healing and thus a deeper joy and peace.

Happy Thanksgiving

When our faith is tested, when we lose someone we love, when our circumstances are not what we want them to be or hoped they would be, it is in these times that we turn our hearts to find we are blessed with heavenly, indestructable, eternal blessings. I am not blessed because I have a job or a home or anything else. I am blessed because I have Hope, Peace, and Love, because there is an eternity of peace and joy waiting for me after this life, because I am loved by my husband, family, and friends. I am blessed because the King of kings and Lord of lords loves me and cares for me.
This is not always where my heart is, and sometimes I say it not because I believe it at the moment but because I need to hear it and maybe I'll be convinced its true, but I know it in my head and hoping my heart will follow.