Written about 7 weeks after paul was born
Pregnancy-emotions, disconnection, end of pregnancy worry, ready for him to come so stop worrying something could happen, Gods timing and my trust, frustration and finally trusting then the baby coming faster than i knew.
Hard time bstfeediing, pain, not hhaving people here i knew/trusted, taking too much time to find help, not trusting myself/wisdom God gave us thru instinct, not communicating well w/tony/learning, feeling immature/"not smart" - not realizing the important things, not always knnowing where to look for answers - story of my life and sometimes just not looking but waiting for it to be handed to me though i know there is more fullfullment when learn iit myself/put my all into it.
Selfishness, complaining instead of getting help/finding answers, realizing the impact that would have on spouse/marriage/child and deciding to change the game plan
Reading bailiks book and feeling affirmation of things I Felt to be true and bringing to consciousness fleeting ideas that i didnt give time to thought.
Now feeling renewed sense of joy for life , has been building this past week reading bailiks' book. Tho at first some tears b/c didnt trust myself but now tears will still come but not the tears of loneliness, at least not today.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
10/10/2012
http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/07/the-table/
I read this and maybe i am being too analytical and or sentimental but i began thinking of our table..or the lack there of. Dinners togetther were always important in my family growing up. I have read studies on the importance of family dinners and childrens development and behavior. And my heart just says that eating together is important. Tony and I don't have a dining table right now, we have been looking for one but haven't found it yet. We have had one before but just one to serve the purpose, we didn't really like it. It's a big purchase to me because it's not something you buy and change out every few years, you keep a table for forever it's seems. My parents just bought a new table in the past couple of years. They had had the other for over 25 years!
And then I read this!
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/05/bible-reading-as-a-family-devotiona/
So now it's not just a search for a table but far more. How will we have our meals. If any of you ever ate with me and my family growing up, specifically my grandparents New, you know that we aren't always "normal.".my grandfather always sang a hymn before eating. And prayer before a meal no matter which grandparents or my parents house was never left out. Tony and have a dear friend in Atlanta who is a retired minister and he has a rule that whomever provides the meal has to give the blessing. So what will we do? Will we sing a hymn before each meal. Will we read scripture at each meal?
10/21/2012
We have found a table!!even better though is that we found a table we both like and we ......well tony and my dad...can and are going to build it!
http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/07/the-table/
I read this and maybe i am being too analytical and or sentimental but i began thinking of our table..or the lack there of. Dinners togetther were always important in my family growing up. I have read studies on the importance of family dinners and childrens development and behavior. And my heart just says that eating together is important. Tony and I don't have a dining table right now, we have been looking for one but haven't found it yet. We have had one before but just one to serve the purpose, we didn't really like it. It's a big purchase to me because it's not something you buy and change out every few years, you keep a table for forever it's seems. My parents just bought a new table in the past couple of years. They had had the other for over 25 years!
And then I read this!
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/05/bible-reading-as-a-family-devotiona/
So now it's not just a search for a table but far more. How will we have our meals. If any of you ever ate with me and my family growing up, specifically my grandparents New, you know that we aren't always "normal.".my grandfather always sang a hymn before eating. And prayer before a meal no matter which grandparents or my parents house was never left out. Tony and have a dear friend in Atlanta who is a retired minister and he has a rule that whomever provides the meal has to give the blessing. So what will we do? Will we sing a hymn before each meal. Will we read scripture at each meal?
10/21/2012
We have found a table!!even better though is that we found a table we both like and we ......well tony and my dad...can and are going to build it!
I don't feel lost but I feel like I'm in a big, never ending empty room. I'm in the void. But I've put myself here, there is no one else to blame. I know that having a relationship with anyone, but of course I'm talking about the Lord here, requires time and attention and communication. I'm not living wild but I think where I am can be even more dangerous - busy, living on my past relationship with God. And I really need him now but I FEEL like i have a long way to go to get back to where he is. I know he is right here though and all that I have to do is acknowledge. What may be a little further away is the closeness we've had in the past.and it makes me FEEL guitly to ask him for help beforeim back in a close relationship with him. But ..oh wait! Where is guilt from?! Not from God. How much more is God ready to receive me back than even my family or friends would be..and I know they quickly would open their arms to me just as the father of the prodigal son. So today I strive to give thanks in each moment and reprioritize....a big theme in our new life with a little one! I am really learning what is important and what is not so much. I think my husband knows even better and I should take heed to his example and relax like he tells me too!
Friday, October 12, 2012
Pregnancy post
So I haven't posted in some time. Not that there hasn't been anything going on! Life is so busy. I am working on reorganizing and re-prioritizing, throwing the unnecessary out-literally and figuratively....I'm planning a yardsale for this Saturday. Having a baby in the house and choosing to parent in a very hands on, natural, hippie dippie way some might say has changed our pace of life. I absolutely love being a mom! I feel like I am doing exactly what I was created to do when I am in wife and mommy mode .its not easy for anyone and we definitely have not had the smoothest ride with a tongue tied colicky baby to scabbed nipples and a breast yeast infection that caused all sorts of pain. And I wanted so badly to be back in Nashville where I knew who to call and had people personally and professionally that I trusted. I did find some help her but it took a while and I truly lost at least half my brain cells with delivery! Things finally settled at about 8 weeks or so, right before I had to go back to work. So I felt like I only had about a week of being settled in my new mommy role. I also wanted to be in Nashville to celebrate with all our family and friends therewho had rejoiced and cried with us in Luke's life and death. I was really homesick!
I know people read this who have not lost a child and I thank you and hope you find encouragement here for other areas of your life. I started this blog to hopefully help others who have lost a child because I found great encouragement from others blogs. I don't know if I would have survived as well without the blog of my now dear friend Amanda. I had hoped to write more during my pregnancy as she had but I felt that I would communicate more clearly in a summary vs more day by day. So I didn't mean to wait quite this long and have so much to summarize so I'll post in in a few separate posts. This way it's not as overwhelming to myself or you. I'll start with the here and now.
Paul Joseph is 4 1/2 months old and growing like a weed! We are exclusive breastmilkers! I love it!im so proud! And so thankful for a husband and family and job that support us in that. ....he's nursing right now actually! I am working four days a week. I want to focus on the positive so I'll just say that I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to go to four days and able to take it. And im also thankful for the daycare that puts Paul Joseph where I can "take him lunch" every day. Tony is an awesome dad! I love seeing them together and you can tell as Paul is understanding and interacting more and more how they are growing more in love all the time. I think so much about everything I say and do now, it's crazy. I'm not the most confident person which may come as a surprise to some, I can put on a good game face, but I'm not really so I read "how to" and self help books a lot. I am forev indebted to maylim bialik for writing beyond the sling, her words provided wisdom, affirmation, and hope that I desperately needed. Also incredibly helpful has been dr sears and dances book you are your child's first teacher. Please don't mistake that our families have been huge supporters and teachers,I just needed some outside /objective confirmation. As a. Ursei ha thrown"facts" from both sides of every angle and I have to do my own research so that's how I view these books. And I highly recommend them!
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