Pregnancy

Written about 7 weeks after paul was born
Pregnancy-emotions, disconnection, end of pregnancy worry, ready for him to come so stop worrying something could happen, Gods timing and my trust, frustration and finally trusting then the baby coming faster than i knew.
Hard time bstfeediing, pain, not hhaving people here i knew/trusted, taking too much time to find help, not trusting myself/wisdom God gave us thru instinct, not communicating well w/tony/learning, feeling immature/"not smart" - not realizing the important things, not always knnowing where to look for answers - story of my life and sometimes just not looking but waiting for it to be handed to me though i know there is more fullfullment when learn iit myself/put my all into it.
Selfishness, complaining instead of getting help/finding answers, realizing the impact that would have on spouse/marriage/child and deciding to change the game plan
Reading bailiks book and feeling affirmation of things I Felt to be true and bringing to consciousness fleeting ideas that i didnt give time to thought.
Now feeling renewed sense of joy for life , has been building this past week reading bailiks' book. Tho at first some tears b/c didnt trust myself but now tears will still come but not the tears of loneliness, at least not today.

10/10/2012
http://angiesmithonline.com/2012/07/the-table/

I read this and maybe i am being too analytical and or sentimental but i began thinking of our table..or the lack there of. Dinners togetther were always important in my family growing up. I have read studies on the importance of family dinners and childrens development and behavior. And my heart just says that eating together is important. Tony and I don't have a dining table right now, we have been looking for one but haven't found it yet. We have had one before but just one to serve the purpose, we didn't really like it. It's a big purchase to me because it's not something you buy and change out every few years, you keep a table for forever it's seems. My parents just bought a new table in the past couple of years. They had had the other for over 25 years!

And then I read this!
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/05/bible-reading-as-a-family-devotiona/
So now it's not just a search for a table but far more. How will we have our meals. If any of you ever ate with me and my family growing up, specifically my grandparents New, you know that we aren't always "normal.".my grandfather always sang a hymn before eating. And prayer before a meal no matter which grandparents or my parents house was never left out. Tony and have a dear friend in Atlanta who is a retired minister and he has a rule that whomever provides the meal has to give the blessing. So what will we do? Will we sing a hymn before each meal. Will we read scripture at each meal?


10/21/2012
We have found a table!!even better though is that we found a table we both like and we ......well tony and my dad...can and are going to build it!

I don't feel lost but I feel like I'm in a big, never ending empty room. I'm in the void. But I've put myself here, there is no one else to blame. I know that having a relationship with anyone, but of course I'm talking about the Lord here, requires time and attention and communication. I'm not living wild but I think where I am can be even more dangerous - busy, living on my past relationship with God. And I really need him now but I FEEL like i have a long way to go to get back to where he is. I know he is right here though and all that I have to do is acknowledge. What may be a little further away is the closeness we've had in the past.and it makes me FEEL guitly to ask him for help beforeim back in a close relationship with him. But ..oh wait! Where is guilt from?! Not from God. How much more is God ready to receive me back than even my family or friends would be..and I know they quickly would open their arms to me just as the father of the prodigal son. So today I strive to give thanks in each moment and reprioritize....a big theme in our new life with a little one! I am really learning what is important and what is not so much. I think my husband knows even better and I should take heed to his example and relax like he tells me too!

Pregnancy post

So I haven't posted in some time. Not that there hasn't been anything going on! Life is so busy. I am working on reorganizing and re-prioritizing, throwing the unnecessary out-literally and figuratively....I'm planning a yardsale for this Saturday. Having a baby in the house and choosing to parent in a very hands on, natural, hippie dippie way some might say has changed our pace of life. I absolutely love being a mom! I feel like I am doing exactly what I was created to do when I am in wife and mommy mode .its not easy for anyone and we definitely have not had the smoothest ride with a tongue tied colicky baby to scabbed nipples and a breast yeast infection that caused all sorts of pain. And I wanted so badly to be back in Nashville where I knew who to call and had people personally and professionally that I trusted. I did find some help her but it took a while and I truly lost at least half my brain cells with delivery! Things finally settled at about 8 weeks or so, right before I had to go back to work. So I felt like I only had about a week of being settled in my new mommy role. I also wanted to be in Nashville to celebrate with all our family and friends therewho had rejoiced and cried with us in Luke's life and death. I was really homesick!

I know people read this who have not lost a child and I thank you and hope you find encouragement here for other areas of your life. I started this blog to hopefully help others who have lost a child because I found great encouragement from others blogs. I don't know if I would have survived as well without the blog of my now dear friend Amanda. I had hoped to write more during my pregnancy as she had but I felt that I would communicate more clearly in a summary vs more day by day. So I didn't mean to wait quite this long and have so much to summarize so I'll post in in a few separate posts. This way it's not as overwhelming to myself or you. I'll start with the here and now.

Paul Joseph is 4 1/2 months old and growing like a weed! We are exclusive breastmilkers! I love it!im so proud! And so thankful for a husband and family and job that support us in that. ....he's nursing right now actually! I am working four days a week. I want to focus on the positive so I'll just say that I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to go to four days and able to take it. And im also thankful for the daycare that puts Paul Joseph where I can "take him lunch" every day. Tony is an awesome dad! I love seeing them together and you can tell as Paul is understanding and interacting more and more how they are growing more in love all the time. I think so much about everything I say and do now, it's crazy. I'm not the most confident person which may come as a surprise to some, I can put on a good game face, but I'm not really so I read "how to" and self help books a lot. I am forev indebted to maylim bialik for writing beyond the sling, her words provided wisdom, affirmation, and hope that I desperately needed. Also incredibly helpful has been dr sears and dances book you are your child's first teacher. Please don't mistake that our families have been huge supporters and teachers,I just needed some outside /objective confirmation. As a. Ursei ha thrown"facts" from both sides of every angle and I have to do my own research so that's how I view these books. And I highly recommend them!

Homestretch

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/04/weekends-are-for-seeing-light/

How I want this little guy here. To see him, know he is real, see that he is healthy, that he looks like his daddy, to hear him breath and cry. To see if he looks like his brother but at the same to get to touch him and have touched and separate my two little boys as individuals

As we get things ready it seems it  will never get done. Sometimes I stop working on his room or  don't work on getting ready because there's fear of coming home again without,  then other times I want to rush and have  it all ready. The above link was a good read this morning to remind me of the  importance of not rushing (not an excuse for negligence or laziness, there's definite difference). I have always struggled with this though it has gotten better in the past few years, God has used  Tony and I's relationship for many teaching moments, this being one of the big lessons. And I will gratefully admit that life is sweeter without rushing, allowing life to unfold at God's pace.

We are 36 weeks today, I am ready whenever little man is, for his arrival. All reports have been good, we have a wonderful midwife that will specially attend our birth whether she is on call or not and that eases some nerves.

An update

We are all doing well here in Atlanta. Baby Hirsch is growing...well hopefully if he's not then I have problem  because I'm definitely growing!! I think he had the hiccups the other day which is an interesting and funny feeling! I don't feel as "connected" to this little guy as much as  I would like. I know I'm being more cautious with my excitement and with thinking of the future, not that we aren't excited or not thinking of the  future but it's  with caution. I am trying to enjoy each day with him, living in the here and now, and of this pregnancy because I know it could be taken at any moment. We haven't decided on a name yet, I"m not sure why if we just haven't found  the right one or if that makes him so much more real. I would like a name, I think I'm ready, I'm ready for that connection. Putting a name to something or someone solidifies its existence, creates a relationship. 

We are moving into a new place  in a  few weeks, it's a little house with enough room for the  grandparents...and cousins  and  friends to come visit =) And we've decided  to sign a year lease.  As much as I want to be  back in Nashville the thought of being somewhere that we like and have somewhat a  routine going is a  good settled feeling, something I've been wanting. The obvious  - I'll be able  to focus on this pregnancy and the little guy when he  gets here, and Tony and I learning to be parents together, and I think with us having some "normalacy" I will have the mental capacity and clarity to really consider the road I want to go down as a nurse practitioner - I like my job but I don't have a long term plan right now and need to be thinking of that. I will say I feel like  I am so far from where I was regarding my ability to be patient with  life...and it's nice. Not to say I wouldn't like some things right now but I am learning to enjoy the journey and the peace that comes with walking, sometimes waiting versus my old habit of jumping from thing to thing.

I am 24 weeks this week. Next week I'll be 25 weeks. Luke  passed when I was 25 weeks so it's a tender  place to be in these  weeks. Then from there is unknown territory, the third trimester! And baby showers and  really getting big. It's exciting and scary at the same time.  I'm worried it's going to go by too fast - either  by getting cut off too early or just by my being busy it's going to sneak  by and I feel that "jumping" habit wanting to sneak back in. I'm not going to let it, life is always  better when it's  taken day by day. 

Girls

Why are we girls so crazy?!
This morning the Christian radio station was talking about the places single people should move to so they find a mate...?? What?! Seriously, sometimes I wonder how I am a nurse because I don't have much compassion. The more we focus on something the worse it is - "a watched pot never boils" concept. And I bet anyone if they are honest would have to admit that when life happens without force it is much better than what we plan ourselves. I know I am guilty and I have learned and continue to learn my lesson but sometimes those who are supposed to be leaders in the Christian community do things like the radio station this morning it makes me want to smack someone. A wise friend from years past wrote a wonderful, much more compassionate than I could write, posting about "finding" or rather being led to your prince.
http://bethanygaddis.wordpress.com/2011/09/01/what-cinderella-can-teach-us/

And then just as a second to that I wanted to post the article about talking to little girls, maybe this will help with the prince issue later in life =) After reading this I have been much more conscious of what I say and realize it is hard for the first words out of my mouth to not be about how cute a little girl is. We have a little boy on the way but I don't want him to get the impression that looks are the most important for girls or boys.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html