Sometimes you have to be numb to get through a day, at least I do at times. Maybe my situation is a little different than most as I work in OB but I'm sure everyone can relate to some degree. Day in and out I work with new mommies and their brand new babies. I love it, yes it is challenging in my situation but I love what I do helping those moms. This week was different because this was the week that I was expecting to be expecting, our due date is Monday the 18th. Where they are is where I am supposed to be....but as that thought has rolled around in my head I also have the soft voice in there saying, No, You are where you're supposed to be. And I am, I am where I am supposed to be, Luke's life was exactly as it was supposed to be.
The week seemed so long. I felt I was in a marathon, pushing myself moment by moment to just get to the end of the last leg of the race, the last hour of my work week til I could let out the breath I'd been holding
The numbness wore off this morning.
The weather is beautiful, it would be a perfect weekend to have a baby
The weather is beautiful, it would be a perfect weekend to have a baby
I drove by a house that had a beautiful garden, the red of the cherry tomatoes was just popping out so bright, the front door was open with a baby gate up and I just thought what a perfect weekend to be in labor and have a baby, how peaceful would it be to be sittingin my house with he doors open relaxing and having our baby coming. Its how I imagined, so peaceful and I'd call sarab to come sit with me or maybe take me to her house for a while during the first easier part of labor then we'd go from there, call tony home from work, call the grandparents, my best friend christy who is pregnant with wiley who was going to be Luke's best friend, our other friends and our midwife.
But then we found out he had an omphalocele and the dream of being at home was taken. And then he passed away so the dream of even bringing home our son vanished. But as I remember even though it was July the day was cool and very still, from through the hospital room window it looked like a fall day, a lot like today with the clear blue sky.
But then we found out he had an omphalocele and the dream of being at home was taken. And then he passed away so the dream of even bringing home our son vanished. But as I remember even though it was July the day was cool and very still, from through the hospital room window it looked like a fall day, a lot like today with the clear blue sky.
The numbness wore off, my heart is soft again today. It can be a hard place to be obviously but at the same time I like it here for a moment. It is quiet here, my heart is completely in the hands of an almighty God when I am here. It's where it should always be but it definitely is when I'm in this place.
My sister in law found out today she is having a boy so it is officially the year of the boys - us, my sister in law, both of Tony's brothers, and two of my best friends all pregnant with boys this year, a couple of them won't be here til the first of next year but still. So I'll be watching Wiley, Judah, Sam Jr, little man Jones, and Aden grow up for years to come but they'll be growing up without their cousin and friend Luke. And they might not know or feel like someone is missing but I'll always see the hole, Ill always see where he would have fit in. So to my friends and these sweet boys I have a special place in my heart for you, and if I get sad it is okay to ask or talk to me about it I am happy at the same time and my tears will be gone in a moment...but you may have to endure a little tighter hug than other people get.
