Nov 3: I know I've said that I have to follow God because He has my son but I've come to learn that I have to follow God simply because He is God, with no strings attached, without expecting anything in return I am called to trust in Him. When your life is in shambles you find in yourself/God gives you the strength for how to trust Him in an unassuming, unexpecting way, trusting that He loves you but understanding that by being loved by Him or loving Him doesn't ensure your next breath or for things to go the way you think they ought - often it is just the opposite. He does offer peace and that, I have found, is worth far more than anything I could buy or find myself.
I don't feel myself getting stronger, I am tired and I am worn. Today it has been 4 months. I often would rather stay in bed. I feel numb at times just taking myself through the motions of getting through the day, it's all the energy I can muster up some days. But I am finding little moments where I can love others and show compassion to another, I feel that those are two things God wants me to be better at doing.
I also read a verse the other day that I've held to - Isaiah 57:14-21 - I will not accuse forever nor will I always be angry, for then the spirit of man would grow faint before me-the breath of man that I have created. I know that God is not out to destroy me for He created and loves me. I just don't know what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go. And I'm not sure how to live with this sadness in my heart. Yes I want to wake up and this all have been a dream but at the same time I wouldn't trade places with anyone because I have come to know my God in new and deeper ways. I am not complete yet He has not finished His work. I pray that my head and heart won't be so hard so that I will learn more quickly and more deeply and more easily.
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