1 year ago - I don't know if I should post this

1 year ago - the week started a year ago Monday - I can remember many, many details and I'm putting many of them here so be forewarned. I need to write this, I don't know if you need to read it but I hope and pray for my words to have come from the Lord and for the Lord to use them.
I was recooperating from working all night the night before on 4 east, what ended up being my 2nd to last shift I believe. I was 5 1/2 months pregnant. Luke had played like a soccer player/boxer all night in my belly, he was crazy active.
"Tomorrow", Tuesday June 29th,  I'll go to work in the radiation oncology clinic. And tomorrow night I will feel Luke move for what I would later learn would be the last time. I claim that he passed on June 30 because I know he moved on the 29th, Tony talked to him before we went to bed like he did most nights. Telling him about us and Scotty the dog, his cousins, all sorts of things..and kissing "him" by kissing my belly =). He was already a great dad.
The 30th was a Wednesday last year, work was crazy! in the radiation clinic, I ate like an athlete that day - one, maybe two huge biscuits with gravy from the Vandy caf - they were so good! and the rest of the day, man I ate. I was really starting to show...and loving it! I realized on the way home from work that day that I hadn't felt him move much but I'd been so busy it was likely he'd been still or that I'd just missed it. So I got home and put my feet up. I wasn't there long when Tony came home super excited about a show he'd been told about. It was a bluegrass/country show at Station Inn and his favorite John Prine was supposed to make an appearance according to good sources.....and good they were. My husband was like a kid on Christmas morning! He met John Prine, took pictures with him, it was great. By the end of the show I knew something was wrong though, I'd been sitting the whole time and hadn't felt Luke move - he moved at night and he moved with music so this was not normal. I should have gone to L&D then , you would think. I was in my last semester of school to be a women's health nurse practitioner, I knew that no movement wasn't good. My 2nd mom, Mrs. Barbara once told me a few months after all this that I wasn't the nurse during this though I was mom. That has made a huge difference in my guilt level...along with many other things that God has given me to hold on to to know that this was all in His plan and that He was and is in control.
I laid all night in the front room in and out of sleep, waiting, hoping. On the way to work Thursday morning I sang my song, Psalm 23 by Michael Olson, the one he always moved to, and there was nothing when I sang "and he will dwell in the house of the Lord forever"... I knew. I continued on to work. It didn't sink in. I faced it for just a moment but the depth of that reality was too much, I couldn't process it. I went in to work, was told I could be on the front of a magazine since pregnant girls were the "it" thing. I was happy. Then I began to face reality. Very, very slowly..and not even the extent of reality but just that I needed to go get checked. I told Julie, one of the nurses I worked with that I needed to go up to L&D to check on the baby over my lunch break. I was a little nervous. I went to 4East sure that the doppler would pick up the heart tones and I'd be on my way. Anita couldn't find it, kept getting mine. So we went in a room with a monitor, she looked and looked. Nothing. I said I should probably go on the L&D. She kept looking, I let her. Because I couldn't get up and because my friend so desperately wanted to find that heartbeat too. Finally, I said I needed to go to L&D. She knew I did and let me go. When I got across the crosswalk to L&D I asked the medical receptionist if someone could put me on the monitor. Dr. Kellet was right there. Great guy, compassionate doctor. He asked why. I said we couldn't find the heartbeat over on 4East. He asked why we were doing that....nurses, esp ob/gyn nurses are notorious for putting themselves on the monitors and being a little paranoid then if we don't find what we are looking for right away we freak out..only we weren't playing and took our time....and then he saw my face as I told him I hadn't felt him move. His countenance changed and he said "I'll put you on the monitor, let's go....(to the medical receptionist) - what room is open?" There weren't any clean ones but room 10 was empty, dirty but  empty. He put me on the ultrasound. He kept looking. I thought he's just got to get it focused, he's just checking everything out. ...but why didn't he turn the sound on? Finally I had to tell him to say something. He couldn't. He just shook his head. Then said I'm so sorry. He had to go get an attending physician for a second inspection, protocol for this situation that two physicians declare the same thing. I try to call Tony. No answer. He's at work. Dr. Garrison came in. She is quiet and wise. She discusses what my options are, risks and benefits.  Tony can't call me back because I'm calling from the hospital, didn't think to take my phone with me. Why would I need it? I call radiation and get Lisa to find my phone and get me Tony's direct office line but no answer. I decide to go. Dr. Kellett says he'll drive me home. I'm okay I say, I'll make it. I've got tears in my eyes but I haven't fallen apart. I can't. Not yet, not here because I don't know if I'll be able to put myself back together. I walk, fast, back to radiation to get my purse, keys, phone. I walk in, the nurses and doctors are talking and don't notice me at first. I get my purse and other things. I tap Julie on the shoulder, she turns and I tell her I am going home. She doesn't get the question out, I just shake my head no. She holds me and cries. I just squeeze my eyes tight, wanting this to all go away. I have some tears but still I can't let go yet. There's Dr. Cmelak, Dr. Xia, and Josh behind Julie. All is still, everything has stopped for a moment. Lisa's behind me, I think her hand was on my shoulder. I finally am out the door, walking in the hot July 1st sun. I call Tony or maybe he calls me back. I don't remember. And I don't remember the first words but then I say they couldn't find a heartbeat. He already knew something was wrong because he had seen the missed calls, he had run to the caf to grab lunch and left his phone on his desk, he was gone probably 15 minutes. He's going to wrap up and come home. Can I make it home? Yes. I get to the car. Where are my keys? Please don't tell me I've left them inside I won't make it back into the clinic to get them. I'll lose it here. There they are. I start to drive. I get on the interstate about half way home, about to take my exit and I have to really focus on my breathing. I can't lose it while I'm driving. I have to make it home safe. My breath has no life in it. I am breathing the breath of death. I don't know how else to explain it. I think of the first patient of mine to pass away and think this must be what it's like as life is leaving you. I literally have death inside of me. I keep breathing. Focus on the breathing. Keep focusing, you're almost home. I pull in, I've of course beat Tony home, he works farther away. I had called him in the car.."don't drive if you can't be safe" I tell him. He's on his way. I'm shaking. I'm home. I can lose it now.
Tony and I just sit, cry, hold each other. Later I want more pictures so we take some baby belly pictures. Tony mows the yard, he needs  to do something physical. Not only have I just told him this news but his mom is literally finishing her first chemo treatment at this time. My parents are going to come into town. Tony's mom is in her first chemotherapy treatment for breast cancer. Do we need anything else to add to the day? Well of course we do! Our nephew is born, Tony's grandma breaks her arm, his uncle, a paraplegic from a plane crash 25yrs ago, is in the hospital with pneumonia. Everyone else sit on the ground, you can have water...no wait you might aspirate it....
I can go into L&D for induction whenever I want, they have a room reserved for me. The room with the birthing tub because the charge nurse, sweet sweet Murphy, knew I was planning to do Hypnobabies. Room 9. I'm not ready to go in. I need to think. I'm going to take this slow. Christie Hammond calls me about 10:30 that night. I surprised her when I answered. Naomi had called her to tell her my news because she had recently gone through a similar situation. We talked for a long time, it was one of the best things and helped me so much.
Thursday July 1 we go to L&D and Vandy. I must have been in denial partially. Christy and Gretta came, Sam, Jennifer and Madalyn came, Mom's friends Shelia, Denise, and Kathy came from Jackson. The physician added a special waiver to the labor tub consent so I could use it. Tony and my mom were awesome support, my mom should be a midwife or doula. Tony was great. My dad and sister were awesome making sure Tony and mom were good and of course just being there. At one point we listened to some music, singing is supposed to help with contractions. Mindy Smith's song, One Moment More, came on. That's the only one I sang to. I wouldn't let Tony skip it. It was perfectly fitting. We all cried. Anna, our nurse came in at some point during the song. She is an amazing nurse and friend, I couldn't have asked for better and wouldn't have asked for anyone else. I'm so grateful she was there and helped us through. Saturday morning came, July 3, I thought it was time but found out I was only dilated to maybe two. Dr. Olivia Hutul came on Saturday. Again I couldn't have asked for better. She was perfect, the demeanor you expect with a midwife, compassion is Dr. Hutul. I had taken some meds for pain and rest, they made me drunk and didn't help the pain. I lost mental control and couldn't get it back. I got an epidural, I slept. I woke up and soon after I felt the need to push. At 1:17pm July 3 Luke was born. I kept my eyes on Tony mostly during delivering, again not wanting to face reality. I had just delivered our first child, please let me have a moments joy in that. And I get to see my son. They cleaned him off and wrapped him in a blanket and Mindy our nurse now, another great, handed him to me. We spent about 4 hours there with him. My mom, sister, and dad got to see him. I wasn't aware but lots of pictures were taken that I am so thankful for. When the nurse took him for weight and measurements they took some pictures also, including the feet one at the top of the blog. Around 5 we went home. There's not much to tell after that. It was quiet, empty. Someone went and got Outback to go for dinner. The next morning before my parents left I agreed to go have breakfast. I don't think I thought I could "stop" maybe I didn't think I would go again. I remember putting on jeans and a pull tee. My belly was so flat, I looked so skinny...I hated it, I couldn't look. I almost lost it. On Monday the bottom finally fell out, I lost it. I needed to. It was just me and Tony. I've lost it other times since then, let myself get messy. It's hard though, sometimes even scary because I'm not sure where that messiness is going to take me, what God is going to talk to me about and do I want to hear it.
Over the past year we have gone through lots of different phases, repeating some of them. I believe in God and that He has a reason for everything. Nothing happens that doesn't pass through His hands. He has cared for us. People have said they don't think they would make it, how do you make it? You just do, you have to, God takes you through it all and holds you up.  He won't do it the way you think He will or the way you think He should. He is greater than that. He wants us to know, believe, and live relying on Him as sovereign, completely trusting and obeying. Before Luke passed we had found out he had a birth defect, a repairable one, we were looking at surgery after birth but prognosis was good, very little long term issues if any, and my grandma called one day and said the words that had come to her for me were to Have Courage. I'm glad I had those words and the support, prayers, and love from my husband, our families, and our friends. I don't think I would have made it without those things for the reality that came to be.
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